Spray and Wash has become my new best friend. Yesterday I found a stain on Sky's collar from a berry smoothie that North and I made and drank for snack. Did Sky sneak a drink also? I don't know, but he needed some Spray and Wash on his shirt.I have had mastitis the last few days. I went to bed feeling very cold on Thursday, yet thought nothing of it because of the coming season change. But by the morning when I woke up feeling like I had the flu in addition to having a flaming red breast, there was no denying the answer. So I called my midwife for some suggestions as to tincture treatments, spent the next few days at home, and had Reed bring home dinners. Now things are beginning to feel normal again.
Sky is such an efficient nurser, I would hate to blame him for causing the problem. And yet, I don't think he did. I never had a blocked duct or any lumps, which leads me to feel as if the problem was more internal.
I had been carrying a lot of negative energy in the past few weeks, sometimes rising above it, sometimes not. At times, I felt like a pressure cooker: a vent released some steam, but the flame was still burning too hot. I tried to run faster, thinking that maybe this project or that idea would solve the problem, or maybe I needed to finally lock us into a schedule.
Having the mastitis and being forced to slow down made me re-focus on what was important... being the parent I know I can be.
Right now I am a parent of two very needy children. Some days I wonder if their needs will carry me on and on into eternity while I grow older and fade away. But half a second later, I catch Sky giving North a huge smile as he snuggles close to me and North answers that smile with a hug directed at Sky. The sun shines a bit brighter when moments like that happen.
So the two conflicting feelings continue to battle. I love their ages, I wish they were older. I love the way Sky nestles close to me, I wish he would nap in his crib a few times a day. I love reading books to North, I wish he would read them to me for a change.
And then I remind myself that one day, my two children will go off to do their weird, unknown boy-things, and they might barely remember to tell me good-bye. And why am I complaining right now? At least I can still play games and sing songs with both of them whenever I want. I don't want to neglect this special time. But the neediness...!
And now off onto a related, yet totally forgivable example. Sky, in his 10 week brilliance, has figured out that if he stays awake when we all lay down around 1:00pm each day, will be able to have some undivided Mama-time. I try to put him in the swing for awhile so I can have computer time or finish random tasks, but it is hard when an absolutely, adorable baby is staring out with "love-me, I am right here" eyes. I usually can only leave him for a few minutes before I relent and take him out for some play-time. He loves being tickled on his stomach and sat up face-to-face, but his absolute favorite thing is to be talked to. He looks right into North's or my eyes and just LISTENS. He drinks up each word and gesture as he answers back in the best way he can. I can just see his brain cells firing up in there. It is so amazing.